dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
