I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
