What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
