he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
