i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
