Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
