i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
