I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
