You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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