dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
