He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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