I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
