2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
