Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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