Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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