dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
