More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
