I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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