Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He better not be in your backpack
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
