i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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