guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
