I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
