I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you mean i was at the winter classic?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
