dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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