Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
