There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
