Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
