So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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