Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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