Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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