For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
