Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
