Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
