He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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