Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
