She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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