when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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