yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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