Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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