God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
