i think my mom watched the whole time
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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