ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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