I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
