I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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