I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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