Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
