I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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