Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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