This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
