Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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