It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize