From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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