Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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