She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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