On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
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