you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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