I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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