if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the condom got lost in my hair
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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