My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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