Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
