why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
