I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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