after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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