My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I want to be your penis for a week.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
