talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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