K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I met the friendliest cop last night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
