I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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