Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
