why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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