You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
