No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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