fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
